BY JAY WELLER
HIS NAME WAS OLE TOM HANEY AND HE WAS FEARED THROUGHOUT THE LAND
AND SO IT WAS, UNTIL THE DAY, CAME A GREAT BIG MOUNTAIN MAN
HIS NAME WAS CLARK MCGILLIES AND HE STOOD ABOUT SIX THIRTEEN
HE BENT OLE TOM ACROSS A LOG AND MADE THAT PIGGY SCREAM
OLE TOM HANEY
YES YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES YOU KNOW
YES YOU KNOW
IT’S TRUE
OLE TOM HANEY SUCKED HIS THUMB, THEN JAMMED IT IN A SOCKET
THERE WAS A HUM, THERE WAS A BUZZ, AND A WHIZ JUST LIKE A ROCKET
HIS HAIR LIT UP, STRAIGHT UP IT WAS, AND HIS EYE FELL OUT ITS SOCKET
A LIGHT BULB FLASHED ABOVE HIS HEAD, I NOW AM SONNY CROCKET
OLE TOM PRANCED ABOUT THE HALLS, IN AN AQUA MARINE SUIT
OPEN TOED SLIPPERS, CALL THEM MIAMI BOOTS
HE COULD WHISTLE JAN HAMMER, RIGHT DOWN TO THE ROOT
OLE TOM HANEY, OBESE AND OBTUSE
OLE TOM HANEY WENT TO TOWN, WITH CLOTHES BORN OF THE EIGHTIES
HE DOUSED HIMSELF IN CHEAP COLOGNE, THAT DRIVE THE DEVIL OUT OF HADES
HE DIED HIS HAIR A GOLDEN BROWN, AND WINKED AT ALL THE LADIES
HIS MOUTH IT SPIT OUT SO MUCH FOAM, THEY CALLED THE VET FOR RABIES
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
YES, YOU KNOW
ITS TRUE
OLE TOM HANEY HAD A WIFE, WITH A BODY MADE OF BUTTER
TWO DUMB KIDS CRAPPED UP HIS LIFE, ONE OF THEM DID STUTTER
SO HE PLACED HIM IN A WOODEN BOAT, TO FLOAT ALONG THE GUTTER
THE POOR LAD BECAME KING OF FRANCE, BUT GREW UP WITHOUT A MUTTER
OLE TOM HANEY SET UPON, HIS PLAN TO ROB A BANK
TOM DUG BENEATH THE IRON VAULT, AND HELD IT UP WITH PLANKS
BALSA WOOD AND ELMERS GLUE WOULD HOLD A SHERMAN TANK
BUT HE UNLEASED A GIRLY SHRIEK, WHEN IT LANDED ON HIS FACE
OLE TOM HANEY FOUND A JOB, MAKING CANDY CANES AND MORE
THE OWNER FILLED OLE TOM WITH JELLY BEANS, AND HUNG HIM OUTSIDE THE STORE
THE KIDS LINED UP WITH BASEBALL BATS, AND TOOK TURNS YELLING “FORE”
AND CRIED THEY DID WITH SWEET DELIGHT, WHEN THE CANDY HIT THE FLOOR
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
YES, YOU KNOW
ITS TRUE
HIS NAME WAS OLE TOM HANEY, AND HE WAS FEARED THROUGHOUT THE LAND
SO IT WAS, UNTIL THE DAY, CAME A GREAT BIG MOUNTAIN MAN
HIS NAME WAS CLARK MCGILLIES, AND STOOD ABOUT SIX THIRTEEN
AND HE NEEDED TO MAKE A DOOR STOP, SO HE PULLED OUT HANEY’S SPLEEN
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
OLE TOM HANEY
YES, YOU KNOW
YES, YOU KNOW
IT’S TRUE